Facebook. Really?

I log into Facebook every other week I'd say. I've never really gotten into the whole thing. The tipping point with myspace was the last time a female friend of mine wondered aloud why she wasn't in my top five. Fuck the top five and fuck myspace.com for trying to force me to rank people in order of how much I like them. Kinda ironic that I like people less when they request top placement. I replaced my top five with black sitcom characters from the eighties and early nineties and have enjoyed peace ever since. But this facebook thing. I dunno. I just logged in to find that:

- "Gertrude Weiss and James Jeffrey are now friends." Hey, Gertrude has a friend with a stupider name than hers! Swell!

- "Megan has given an Oreo to Julia using SuperPoke!" You don't fuckin say?? Honey, put down the baby and come here a sec!

- Rachel would like me to join "Fluff friends, where you can adopt a cute pet on your Facebook profile!" Sounds like a great way to come out of the closet, thanks!

- Amy wants to "know the color spectrum of your personality! Answer 10 fun questions to find out instantly your Personality Color Spectrum(TM) and show your own unique Personality Color Spectrum(TM) to Amy and all your friends." Am I the only employed person on Facebook?

I realize that I can probably turn most of this stuff off and make my page my own. But you'll understand if my initial impression of Facebook makes me want to hunt down and kill whatever marketing "genius" decided to make the internet accessible to women. It's as if the internet went to Japan in early 2006 and came back with a new manga haircut and a purse full of hello-kitty stickers. But it's still trying to act like one of the guys like "What dude? If you're not down with hello kitty just ignore it. What's your deal lately?"

So, um, anyways yeah. Maybe I'm just cranky. Somebody send me a Hug(TM) quick!

Having trouble picking a candidate?

Well then have I got the answer for you! Introducing ABC News' Match-O-Matic! Here at ABC news, we have boiled down the entire spectrum of political viewpoints to a short series of questions with multiple choice answers. With the help of space-age 21st century internet technology and our crack team of pollsters, pundits, physicists and chemists, you'll hardly have to think at all! Just point and click and we'll do the thinking for you! Meet your match todayyyyyy! [cue grainy stock video clip of candidate shaking hands with voters]

Match-O-Matic

(Surprise!) I matched up best with Kucinich. But, thanks to Fox News' quality investigative journalism, I found out his wife has a tongue ring so there's absolutely no way I'd vote for him.

Way too PC

Someone at work gave me a survey to post on our web site. It's for people who have attended our workshops. The first question is:

1. Gender: Male Female Transgender

Um, wtf is transgender doing on there? First of all, who really cares that much? What, are we providing this information to the census bureau? And there's no way I'd spend ten thousand dollars to switch out the old cock n balls for a vagina and get some tits installed just to be called "transgender." Best call me a woman 'less you wanna get beat down with these man fists, ho! Plus, that option just makes it weird for the other 99% of people filling out the survey.

Sexuality (choose one):

• Straight
• Gay
• Bi
• Only gay for Jon Stewart
• Straight, but vaginas are gross to look at directly.
• Looked at gay porn once. Stayed hard, but only due to the straight porn I was watching right before that (swear dude!).
• Male zebras are hot.
• Some freaky shit I can't tell you.
• Prince.

Paranoid Google Rant

Google's Next Frontier: Renewable Energy [article via nytimes.com]

Google is quickly becoming "The Company" which, as depicted by so many dystopian stories, is omnipresent in our society. I don't doubt their philanthropic goals, but it is getting a bit scary. They tirelessly catalogue public information on the web and in print, map and photograph our streets, store our personal emails, will provide the software for our phones, will supply wireless internet to our cities, and now they're moving toward providing power to our cities as well. They're gonna know everything about everything, and play a role in our society's most basic functions. I'd make the argument that absolute knowledge can corrupt just as well as absolute power. At some point their motto, "Don't be evil" is gonna start to sound like an omen.

In 2018, Matt sits down to take a quick dump. His GPS-enabled gPhone buzzes.

Text message: Using the restroom again, Matt? How about trying Google's new line of smart toilet paper? To order, reply "yes". It will automatically be charged to your Google Account.

Matt ignores the ad-- the tenth ad this morning -- and gets back to business.

Text message: Are you ignoring us, Matt? Don't be evil, Matt. To order, reply "yes".

Matt knows what's coming next. He lights a candle seconds before his lights are shut off.

Text message: Google Power Beta is experiencing a high usage volume at the moment. Power will be restored within a few hours .

Matt sighs. Most days he'd wait it out, but his brand new iPrius (run on Google software) is still charging from the wall socket in the garage. He needs at least enough juice get to work. He reaches for his gPhone and places the order for the smart toilet paper.

Text message: Thank you for your order, Matt. Please allow one week for delivery.

The lights come back on immediately. Matt blows out his candle.

Bicycle Fucker

Bike sex man placed on probation [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Yeah, you read that correctly. This guy got caught fucking his bike in his hotel room by the room cleaners. They tell on him, and he gets sentenced to three years probation.

A couple things that just don't make sense...

1. Since when is it a crime to get yourself off with the inanimate object of your choosing in the privacy of your room? If someone walks in on me getting freaky with the hole in my copy of David Hasselhoff's memoir, that's their bad. Knock louder next time assholes.

2. This whole thing could have been avoided with the following conversation snippet...

Sheriff: These two janitors claim that they walked in on you having sexual relations with that bicycle. Is that account correct, sir?
Bike fucker: Excuse my language, Sheriff, but are you fucking crazy?
Sheriff: Hahaha. I have to admit it did sound a bit far-fetched. But we gotta follow up-- part of the job. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bike fucker: Hehe, not a problem officer. Hey, I think I heard those two janitors saying something about being in Al-Qaeda. Might want to bring 'em in for questioning.

[Five minutes later: The two janitors are handcuffed sitting on the curb outside. They turn around to see Bike fucker spoke-fucking his road bike in the window above them.]

Bike fucker: Hey boys, don't forget your party favors! [Skeets violently out of the window onto the janitors below]

Complete Bullshit!

I have, once again, been slighted by People Magazine. They have, once again, left me off of their list of Sexiest Men Alive. I don't know how those shit-for-brains editors have managed to keep their jobs this long.

I know what you're thinking: "But Matt, they don't even know who you are!" Of course they fucking know who I am! I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has sent multiple headshots, full profile shots, and 8x10" framed cock shots to their corporate offices. I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has placed phone call after patient phone call on my own behalf (both in my voice and in the voices of my many adoring female fans), to the offices, homes and children's schools of the selection committee members. May I repeat: this is complete bullshit.

This year they put me over the top by putting, of all people, Matt Damon in the top spot. Matt "Beady Eyes" Damon. Matt "Are you sure he doesn't have just a little Downs Syndrome?" Damon. That fucking ASSHAT. Oh but I do intend to have the last laugh, friends. People Magazine is set to receive a flood of greased up cock pics the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last charity slumber party. It's so on motherfuckers!

Spam Folder Mashup

Luv, luvvv the gmail for filtering out all of the cheesy, half-literal spam meat that would otherwise soil my inbox. Here are some of the gems I found in the spam box:

Dreamin' of having a huge schlong, like black bros have? Now that's not a problem!
[Would be awesome if this turned your thang brown]

who would like to get laid by such a tiny phallus as yours?
[*sob* ... nobody ... (looks for credit card)]

Forget about failures in bedroom. With your new bigger dic'k you're doomed to success!

But please don't be deterred by the word "repl1ca"...I'm talking about the cream of the crop of repl1ca w4tches
["Yeah, baby, this here's a genuine repl-one-ca w-four-atch girl. You don't know nuthin bout a repl-one-ca... I got a huge shlong like black bros too, by the way."]

If you can hide your penis behind your cell phone...CHECK NOW A real thunderstorm in your pants.
[(Looks at iPhone. Looks down. Looks at iPhone. Excuses self to restroom.)]