Bicycle Fucker

Bike sex man placed on probation [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Yeah, you read that correctly. This guy got caught fucking his bike in his hotel room by the room cleaners. They tell on him, and he gets sentenced to three years probation.

A couple things that just don't make sense...

1. Since when is it a crime to get yourself off with the inanimate object of your choosing in the privacy of your room? If someone walks in on me getting freaky with the hole in my copy of David Hasselhoff's memoir, that's their bad. Knock louder next time assholes.

2. This whole thing could have been avoided with the following conversation snippet...

Sheriff: These two janitors claim that they walked in on you having sexual relations with that bicycle. Is that account correct, sir?
Bike fucker: Excuse my language, Sheriff, but are you fucking crazy?
Sheriff: Hahaha. I have to admit it did sound a bit far-fetched. But we gotta follow up-- part of the job. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bike fucker: Hehe, not a problem officer. Hey, I think I heard those two janitors saying something about being in Al-Qaeda. Might want to bring 'em in for questioning.

[Five minutes later: The two janitors are handcuffed sitting on the curb outside. They turn around to see Bike fucker spoke-fucking his road bike in the window above them.]

Bike fucker: Hey boys, don't forget your party favors! [Skeets violently out of the window onto the janitors below]

Larry Craig = hella busted

Transcript of the Larry Craig post-arrest interview [via news10.net]

Ahahahaha. I love Republicans...

DK: And then you used your left hand to finish me off.
LC: No sir, I don't do those types of things.
DK: I clearly recall skeeting onto your wedding ring. Do you think I'm dumb?
LC: Not at all. I just don't engage in this type of...

DK: You told me you loved me.
LC: I do recall asking you for some toilet pa--
DK: Senator, senator you're not a bad guy. But you did say we'd be together forever, correct?
LC: (inaudible)
DK: I believed you...
LC: (inaudible) happily married with two (inaudible)

DK: Senator, frankly I can see your hardon right now.
LC: Ok, let me just explain what that is. You're mistaken, sir.
DK: Why don't you let me help you with that?
LC: (inaudible)
DK: (inaudible)
NN: Um, Sergeant? ... Sergeant Dave? Senator? Gross dudes. I'll just-- yeah, I'll just leave then.

Gorilla Escapes Netherlands Zoo

Gorilla goes on Dutch zoo rampage [article via news.bbc.co.uk]

Ahh Amsterdam. Land of free drug usage...

[Amsterdam Zoo. Thirty minutes before gorilla escape.]

Bjorn: Oh man I'm soo high right now man. Why-- haha-- why, what are you doing with my shroom stash man?
Peter: Hahahaha, dude I spilled it. Sorry, haha, I mean sorry I spilled it. It's all in the pink popcorn machine.
Bjorn: ...
Peter: ...
Bjorn: Psshhhh-hahahahaha! Fuck man that's like two pounds of shrooms! Haha, no wait this is bad. This is really bad man. Oh shit we're fucking up man.
Peter: Dude chill. Help me mix it in. Nobody's gonna notice.

[Ten minutes before gorilla escape]

Marcus: Man you have no idea how it feels to be a brotha in Amsterdam. People just treat you like you're any other person. This has been a good trip John, thanks.
John: Glad you're having a good time. It's good to get out of the states every once in a while, huh? Let's hit the zoo food court. They're famous for their pink popcorn here.

[Two minutes before gorilla escape]

Manager: Hey, you two numbnuts! I got fifth graders out in the food court talking about bleeding walls and their parents aint doin much better. You know anything about this?
Peter: Oh shit..

[30 seconds before gorilla escape]

John: Dude, I'm feeling woozy.
Marcus: Haha, you don't think the two bricks of pink popcorn did it do you? Let's hit the head buddy.
John: Haha, maybe you're right. You still shoulda had some. Let's get out of-- what the hell??
Marcus: What, man?
John: You're... you're changing.
Marcus: Haha, oh man. I think I'm beginning to understand why the popcorn's so goo--
John: You're changing! Get away from me!
Marcus: Calm down man, what are you talking about?
John: [Pointing at Marcus] Gorilla!
Marcus: John--
John: Gorilla, Gorilla, GORILLLA!!!
Random mom: Gorilla! There's a gorilla on the loose!
[Mass hallucination and panic sets in]
Marcus: [Climbs onto a table] There's no gorilla! My friend John is just having a bad trip! Everyone please! Please calm down!
Child: There he is! He's climbing on the tables, mommy!
Mom: Gorilla!
Offduty zookeeper: But how did he swim the moat?
Marcus: Wha? I do know how to swim motherfu--
Offduty zookeeper: Don't worry people, I've got my tranquelizer gun with me! Everyone evacuate now!

[12 hours after "gorilla" escape]

Administrator: We're really really sorry about this Mr. Williams.
Marcus: This is some bullshit, man. This is some bullshit. I woke up next to a goddamned ape in a goddamned monkey tank! What the fuck??
Administrator: We're prepared to take all necessary steps to resolve the matter... You have to admit, though, it's quite an unbelievable story.
Marcus: You're telling me?? How does a whole food court mistake a guy for an ape!
Administrator: Actually I was referring to the part where you claimed to be able to swim. Pret-ty unbelievable.

Drunk bear fight

Drunk picks fight with bear [article via ananova.com]

Ahaha, nice. Let's see here... animals + humans + humor = time to channel David Sedaris.

Maury: Do you believe in God?

Brutus: Please. Not this conversation again. Anything else.

Maury: Ok. So what's your favorite color?

Brutus: Bears can't see color asshole.

Maury: Then what's your favorite shade of gray?

Brutus: You know I hate you right Maury?

Maury: I know that sometimes you're a wittle grumpy wumpums.

Brutus: No. I really hate you Maury. I do. And I hate being here with you. And I hate this fucking place and these goddamn humans.

Maury: That's not nice Brutus. You know, you could try to be a little nicer to me.

Brutus: These fucking humans with their cameras and their pathetic little frail bodies. I'd love to have just a few minutes with one of those assholes.

Maury: You're always mean to me Brutus and it really hurts my feelings. None of the other bears will even talk to me. They all say I'm queer and won't talk to me.

Brutus: One of these little pieces of shit holding his big fucking gun got my mom. She took twelve rounds of buckshot protecting us cubs before she went down. Went down fighting too. Two of us died before the rest got picked up by the zoo.

Maury: I really care about you Brutus. You're my best friend. Do you care about me too?

Brutus: You're a fucking fag Maury. Get away from me.

Maury: Brutus? You don't mean that. Don't leave. You, you didn't mean that. Please come back. Please... [Guy jumps into the cage. Hits Maury in the leg.]

Maury: What-- how'd you get in here? You gotta leave! You gotta leave now or the other bears they'll-- they'll kill you!

Human: Come on and fight me bear!

Maury: Are you crazy!? You gotta get outta here!

Human: What are you scared of bear? Fight me! What are you, a FAG!?

Maury: No.

Human: FAG!

Maury: Stop hitting me.

Human: Fight me FAG!

Maury: Don't call me that Brutus! Stop calling me a fag Brutus! I hate you Brutus I hate you! Oh God I hate you so mu-- AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!

[a year later]

Brutus: And then my buddy Maury here roars like he's a fucking volcano on steroids...

Other bear 1: Like fucking Hiroshima!

Brutus: ... grabs the fucking guy by his throat and shakes him like a rag doll [Pats Maury on the back] ...

Other bear 2: Shook him good didn't he?

Brutus: ... throws the fucking guy down and I swear to God, he licks his lips and smiles. I didn't even know bears could fucking smile, hahahaha!

Maury: What can I say? These fucking humans need to know their place, right? We bears gotta show them where they stand on the fucking totem pole every once in a while.

Other bear 2: Fuckin-A right man. Fuckin-A right.

Attack of the loggionisti

Opera crowd gets rowdy [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
"The 'loggionisti' - who claim to know every note of every opera by heart - are notorious for their rowdy behaviour when they consider a performance to be below standard."

The prequel:

Loggionisti 1: Lives at home with mother. Rides a Vespa and chain smokes. Steals glances at himself in the cafe shop mirror while he sips espresso and complains about American fascism to his best friend Ricardo. Ricardo called him out on his 'naive bullshit' on the night in question...

Loggionisti 2: Was ridiculed as a child because of his harelip. Was kept at home throughout his childhood due to a "heart condition" that his mom was convinced he had. Has never had a girlfriend because women are too stupid and filthy to recognize his genius. Was called a 'faggot' by his disappointed father on the night in question...

Loggionisti 3: Younger sibling of a soccer hooligan. Tried to be a soccer hooligan last year, but his slight frame and weak stomach prevented him from being effective. Was fingered by his teenaged babysitter when he was eight. Yells because only yelling prevents him from crying during the final aria, mourning his broken youth. Had a rectal exam on the night in question...