N.A.S.A Technology

NASA's new system "distils, filters, ionizes and oxidizes wastewater - including urine -- into fresh water for drinking." Yum.

Captain Simms: Private!  We're gonna need a lot more chocolate if we're gonna finish this birthday cake by 1200 hours!

Private Janet Barnes: Aye aye, sir! Working – *hmph* – working on it sir!

Captain Simms: Mr. Johnson, what's your status on the icing?

Mr. Johnson: Coming along slowly Captain! E.T.A. ten minutes!

Captain Simms: No good, Johnson!  Have that icing on deck inside of five minutes!

Mr. Johnson: Sir!  Sir, that will be impossible unless I have permission to watch Private Barnes use the commode!

Private Barnes: Wha--??

Captain Simms: Permission granted, Johnson, carry on!

Mr. Johnson: Oh yeah. Thank you Captain.  *fap* *fap* *fap*...

[1230 hours]

Everyone: ...happy birthday to you!

Loudspeaker: Ok folks, this training exercise is a wrap. We're gonna break for lunch then do it again at 1400 hours.  Let's get it right next time, people.

Private Barnes:  [unintelligible]

Loudspeaker: And someone please get Private Barnes a face towel.

Self Defense Video

Ok guys,

Remember when you were a kid and you saw the Ninja Turtles movie and you got home and you were full of all this clumsy energy that made you just want to kick things and make sound effects with your spittly mouth and then you realized the greatest thing: I should come up with my own fight moves! And then you started doing some ridiculous moves in your parents' bedroom mirror (which you accidentally kicked a few times, no cracks though). And for some reason most of your moves involved sliding around in your socks on the kitchen floor, the utter inconvenience of which didn't bother you in the least. And you probably made a costume which was almost necessarily accessorized with a headband due to the fact that one of the most influential films in your short, immature, and painfully under-cultured life was The Karate Kid. And then you probably even made some weapons with a broom handle, and a butter knife, and lots of scotch tape because your dad hid the duct tape because when you were four you "fucked up the goddamn cat so bad she had to get 'youth-a-nized'" whatever the heck that means. That's a hecka big word. So yeah, you've got some sweet moves, a costume, and weapons and you're like "holy shit I just came up with my own martial art!" and you give it a Chinese-sounding name because you haven't quite grasped what is and is not racially offensive yet.

Remember that? Then remember when you GREW UP? Yeah, these guys never did. You're gonna want to thank me for this video so you're welcome in advance.

Self Defense Dorks

All about poop

Who's bored? I'm not bored. Hey, by the way, here are five interesting facts about poop. Including the fact that if you have a dog that eats its own shit you should put vinegar or hot sauce on it to discourage the behavior. Of course, if you have a dog that identifies itself as ethnically black the hot sauce will only serve to encourage the habit. Mayonnaise would probably be better. The whole thing strikes me as ridiculous anyway because why would an animal that eats its own shit be particular about the condiments that go along with it? It's not Chicken McNuggets with a choice of bbq or honey mustard. It's shit which (total guess here) tastes unmistakably like shit no matter what you dip it in. Also, if you care enough about your dog to carry a bottle of Crystal along with you and lovingly sprinkle it on each individual turd in the middle of the fucking sidewalk, why not just pick the shit up in the first place? Have I mentioned how much I hate the average dog owner? Keep it on a leash, pick up after it, and quit acting like it's a person. Oh, and by the way, it just ate that turd over there before it started licking you in the mouth so do excuse me while I vomit quietly. Oh, great, it's eating the vomit now.

Facebook. Really?

I log into Facebook every other week I'd say. I've never really gotten into the whole thing. The tipping point with myspace was the last time a female friend of mine wondered aloud why she wasn't in my top five. Fuck the top five and fuck myspace.com for trying to force me to rank people in order of how much I like them. Kinda ironic that I like people less when they request top placement. I replaced my top five with black sitcom characters from the eighties and early nineties and have enjoyed peace ever since. But this facebook thing. I dunno. I just logged in to find that:

- "Gertrude Weiss and James Jeffrey are now friends." Hey, Gertrude has a friend with a stupider name than hers! Swell!

- "Megan has given an Oreo to Julia using SuperPoke!" You don't fuckin say?? Honey, put down the baby and come here a sec!

- Rachel would like me to join "Fluff friends, where you can adopt a cute pet on your Facebook profile!" Sounds like a great way to come out of the closet, thanks!

- Amy wants to "know the color spectrum of your personality! Answer 10 fun questions to find out instantly your Personality Color Spectrum(TM) and show your own unique Personality Color Spectrum(TM) to Amy and all your friends." Am I the only employed person on Facebook?

I realize that I can probably turn most of this stuff off and make my page my own. But you'll understand if my initial impression of Facebook makes me want to hunt down and kill whatever marketing "genius" decided to make the internet accessible to women. It's as if the internet went to Japan in early 2006 and came back with a new manga haircut and a purse full of hello-kitty stickers. But it's still trying to act like one of the guys like "What dude? If you're not down with hello kitty just ignore it. What's your deal lately?"

So, um, anyways yeah. Maybe I'm just cranky. Somebody send me a Hug(TM) quick!

Having trouble picking a candidate?

Well then have I got the answer for you! Introducing ABC News' Match-O-Matic! Here at ABC news, we have boiled down the entire spectrum of political viewpoints to a short series of questions with multiple choice answers. With the help of space-age 21st century internet technology and our crack team of pollsters, pundits, physicists and chemists, you'll hardly have to think at all! Just point and click and we'll do the thinking for you! Meet your match todayyyyyy! [cue grainy stock video clip of candidate shaking hands with voters]

Match-O-Matic

(Surprise!) I matched up best with Kucinich. But, thanks to Fox News' quality investigative journalism, I found out his wife has a tongue ring so there's absolutely no way I'd vote for him.

Way too PC

Someone at work gave me a survey to post on our web site. It's for people who have attended our workshops. The first question is:

1. Gender: Male Female Transgender

Um, wtf is transgender doing on there? First of all, who really cares that much? What, are we providing this information to the census bureau? And there's no way I'd spend ten thousand dollars to switch out the old cock n balls for a vagina and get some tits installed just to be called "transgender." Best call me a woman 'less you wanna get beat down with these man fists, ho! Plus, that option just makes it weird for the other 99% of people filling out the survey.

Sexuality (choose one):

• Straight
• Gay
• Bi
• Only gay for Jon Stewart
• Straight, but vaginas are gross to look at directly.
• Looked at gay porn once. Stayed hard, but only due to the straight porn I was watching right before that (swear dude!).
• Male zebras are hot.
• Some freaky shit I can't tell you.
• Prince.

Paranoid Google Rant

Google's Next Frontier: Renewable Energy [article via nytimes.com]

Google is quickly becoming "The Company" which, as depicted by so many dystopian stories, is omnipresent in our society. I don't doubt their philanthropic goals, but it is getting a bit scary. They tirelessly catalogue public information on the web and in print, map and photograph our streets, store our personal emails, will provide the software for our phones, will supply wireless internet to our cities, and now they're moving toward providing power to our cities as well. They're gonna know everything about everything, and play a role in our society's most basic functions. I'd make the argument that absolute knowledge can corrupt just as well as absolute power. At some point their motto, "Don't be evil" is gonna start to sound like an omen.

In 2018, Matt sits down to take a quick dump. His GPS-enabled gPhone buzzes.

Text message: Using the restroom again, Matt? How about trying Google's new line of smart toilet paper? To order, reply "yes". It will automatically be charged to your Google Account.

Matt ignores the ad-- the tenth ad this morning -- and gets back to business.

Text message: Are you ignoring us, Matt? Don't be evil, Matt. To order, reply "yes".

Matt knows what's coming next. He lights a candle seconds before his lights are shut off.

Text message: Google Power Beta is experiencing a high usage volume at the moment. Power will be restored within a few hours .

Matt sighs. Most days he'd wait it out, but his brand new iPrius (run on Google software) is still charging from the wall socket in the garage. He needs at least enough juice get to work. He reaches for his gPhone and places the order for the smart toilet paper.

Text message: Thank you for your order, Matt. Please allow one week for delivery.

The lights come back on immediately. Matt blows out his candle.