Bicycle Fucker

Bike sex man placed on probation [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Yeah, you read that correctly. This guy got caught fucking his bike in his hotel room by the room cleaners. They tell on him, and he gets sentenced to three years probation.

A couple things that just don't make sense...

1. Since when is it a crime to get yourself off with the inanimate object of your choosing in the privacy of your room? If someone walks in on me getting freaky with the hole in my copy of David Hasselhoff's memoir, that's their bad. Knock louder next time assholes.

2. This whole thing could have been avoided with the following conversation snippet...

Sheriff: These two janitors claim that they walked in on you having sexual relations with that bicycle. Is that account correct, sir?
Bike fucker: Excuse my language, Sheriff, but are you fucking crazy?
Sheriff: Hahaha. I have to admit it did sound a bit far-fetched. But we gotta follow up-- part of the job. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bike fucker: Hehe, not a problem officer. Hey, I think I heard those two janitors saying something about being in Al-Qaeda. Might want to bring 'em in for questioning.

[Five minutes later: The two janitors are handcuffed sitting on the curb outside. They turn around to see Bike fucker spoke-fucking his road bike in the window above them.]

Bike fucker: Hey boys, don't forget your party favors! [Skeets violently out of the window onto the janitors below]