Complete Bullshit!

I have, once again, been slighted by People Magazine. They have, once again, left me off of their list of Sexiest Men Alive. I don't know how those shit-for-brains editors have managed to keep their jobs this long.

I know what you're thinking: "But Matt, they don't even know who you are!" Of course they fucking know who I am! I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has sent multiple headshots, full profile shots, and 8x10" framed cock shots to their corporate offices. I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has placed phone call after patient phone call on my own behalf (both in my voice and in the voices of my many adoring female fans), to the offices, homes and children's schools of the selection committee members. May I repeat: this is complete bullshit.

This year they put me over the top by putting, of all people, Matt Damon in the top spot. Matt "Beady Eyes" Damon. Matt "Are you sure he doesn't have just a little Downs Syndrome?" Damon. That fucking ASSHAT. Oh but I do intend to have the last laugh, friends. People Magazine is set to receive a flood of greased up cock pics the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last charity slumber party. It's so on motherfuckers!