Having trouble picking a candidate?

Well then have I got the answer for you! Introducing ABC News' Match-O-Matic! Here at ABC news, we have boiled down the entire spectrum of political viewpoints to a short series of questions with multiple choice answers. With the help of space-age 21st century internet technology and our crack team of pollsters, pundits, physicists and chemists, you'll hardly have to think at all! Just point and click and we'll do the thinking for you! Meet your match todayyyyyy! [cue grainy stock video clip of candidate shaking hands with voters]

Match-O-Matic

(Surprise!) I matched up best with Kucinich. But, thanks to Fox News' quality investigative journalism, I found out his wife has a tongue ring so there's absolutely no way I'd vote for him.

Way too PC

Someone at work gave me a survey to post on our web site. It's for people who have attended our workshops. The first question is:

1. Gender: Male Female Transgender

Um, wtf is transgender doing on there? First of all, who really cares that much? What, are we providing this information to the census bureau? And there's no way I'd spend ten thousand dollars to switch out the old cock n balls for a vagina and get some tits installed just to be called "transgender." Best call me a woman 'less you wanna get beat down with these man fists, ho! Plus, that option just makes it weird for the other 99% of people filling out the survey.

Sexuality (choose one):

• Straight
• Gay
• Bi
• Only gay for Jon Stewart
• Straight, but vaginas are gross to look at directly.
• Looked at gay porn once. Stayed hard, but only due to the straight porn I was watching right before that (swear dude!).
• Male zebras are hot.
• Some freaky shit I can't tell you.
• Prince.

Paranoid Google Rant

Google's Next Frontier: Renewable Energy [article via nytimes.com]

Google is quickly becoming "The Company" which, as depicted by so many dystopian stories, is omnipresent in our society. I don't doubt their philanthropic goals, but it is getting a bit scary. They tirelessly catalogue public information on the web and in print, map and photograph our streets, store our personal emails, will provide the software for our phones, will supply wireless internet to our cities, and now they're moving toward providing power to our cities as well. They're gonna know everything about everything, and play a role in our society's most basic functions. I'd make the argument that absolute knowledge can corrupt just as well as absolute power. At some point their motto, "Don't be evil" is gonna start to sound like an omen.

In 2018, Matt sits down to take a quick dump. His GPS-enabled gPhone buzzes.

Text message: Using the restroom again, Matt? How about trying Google's new line of smart toilet paper? To order, reply "yes". It will automatically be charged to your Google Account.

Matt ignores the ad-- the tenth ad this morning -- and gets back to business.

Text message: Are you ignoring us, Matt? Don't be evil, Matt. To order, reply "yes".

Matt knows what's coming next. He lights a candle seconds before his lights are shut off.

Text message: Google Power Beta is experiencing a high usage volume at the moment. Power will be restored within a few hours .

Matt sighs. Most days he'd wait it out, but his brand new iPrius (run on Google software) is still charging from the wall socket in the garage. He needs at least enough juice get to work. He reaches for his gPhone and places the order for the smart toilet paper.

Text message: Thank you for your order, Matt. Please allow one week for delivery.

The lights come back on immediately. Matt blows out his candle.

Bicycle Fucker

Bike sex man placed on probation [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Yeah, you read that correctly. This guy got caught fucking his bike in his hotel room by the room cleaners. They tell on him, and he gets sentenced to three years probation.

A couple things that just don't make sense...

1. Since when is it a crime to get yourself off with the inanimate object of your choosing in the privacy of your room? If someone walks in on me getting freaky with the hole in my copy of David Hasselhoff's memoir, that's their bad. Knock louder next time assholes.

2. This whole thing could have been avoided with the following conversation snippet...

Sheriff: These two janitors claim that they walked in on you having sexual relations with that bicycle. Is that account correct, sir?
Bike fucker: Excuse my language, Sheriff, but are you fucking crazy?
Sheriff: Hahaha. I have to admit it did sound a bit far-fetched. But we gotta follow up-- part of the job. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bike fucker: Hehe, not a problem officer. Hey, I think I heard those two janitors saying something about being in Al-Qaeda. Might want to bring 'em in for questioning.

[Five minutes later: The two janitors are handcuffed sitting on the curb outside. They turn around to see Bike fucker spoke-fucking his road bike in the window above them.]

Bike fucker: Hey boys, don't forget your party favors! [Skeets violently out of the window onto the janitors below]

Complete Bullshit!

I have, once again, been slighted by People Magazine. They have, once again, left me off of their list of Sexiest Men Alive. I don't know how those shit-for-brains editors have managed to keep their jobs this long.

I know what you're thinking: "But Matt, they don't even know who you are!" Of course they fucking know who I am! I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has sent multiple headshots, full profile shots, and 8x10" framed cock shots to their corporate offices. I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has placed phone call after patient phone call on my own behalf (both in my voice and in the voices of my many adoring female fans), to the offices, homes and children's schools of the selection committee members. May I repeat: this is complete bullshit.

This year they put me over the top by putting, of all people, Matt Damon in the top spot. Matt "Beady Eyes" Damon. Matt "Are you sure he doesn't have just a little Downs Syndrome?" Damon. That fucking ASSHAT. Oh but I do intend to have the last laugh, friends. People Magazine is set to receive a flood of greased up cock pics the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last charity slumber party. It's so on motherfuckers!

Spam Folder Mashup

Luv, luvvv the gmail for filtering out all of the cheesy, half-literal spam meat that would otherwise soil my inbox. Here are some of the gems I found in the spam box:

Dreamin' of having a huge schlong, like black bros have? Now that's not a problem!
[Would be awesome if this turned your thang brown]

who would like to get laid by such a tiny phallus as yours?
[*sob* ... nobody ... (looks for credit card)]

Forget about failures in bedroom. With your new bigger dic'k you're doomed to success!

But please don't be deterred by the word "repl1ca"...I'm talking about the cream of the crop of repl1ca w4tches
["Yeah, baby, this here's a genuine repl-one-ca w-four-atch girl. You don't know nuthin bout a repl-one-ca... I got a huge shlong like black bros too, by the way."]

If you can hide your penis behind your cell phone...CHECK NOW A real thunderstorm in your pants.
[(Looks at iPhone. Looks down. Looks at iPhone. Excuses self to restroom.)]

Osama Bin Laden is in Orange County [followup]

(Reuters) Police said on Tuesday that a boy playing with matches had confessed to starting accidentally one of the fires, north of Los Angeles, that burned 63 buildings and charred 38,000 acres.

Neither the boy's name nor his age were given. Prosecutors must now decide whether to charge the youth, who is thought to be a preteen.

Is this preteen working for Al Qaeda? It's gonna take a field trip to a secret Nigerian prison and a whole lot of waterboarding to find out. Thankfully, there will be no lasting physical damage nor pesky legal repercussions to worry about. In the end, we'll untie him, hand him a CIA embroidered towel to dry off with, and send him on his way with a fatherly tussle of the hair from ol' Unc Sam, and a no-hard-feelings lollipop. A couple years of therapy and he'll be able to hear a running shower without evacuating his bowels. In time he'll grow into a fine young man, proud to have served his country.

I'm smokin that tax money rolled up in pages of the constitution all day bitches!

"And then Jesus toldeth him to go get that oil"

Osama Bin Laden is in Orange County

Ill-informed Fox anchors spread fears of al Qaeda link to California fires [article via rawstory.com]

Sure, it wasn't Al Qaeda. It was a natural event. Which proves my point that it's time for Mother Nature to pick a side. She's either with us or against us on this one [adjusts American Flag lapel pin]. She has repeatedly brought terror into American homes, which constitutes a direct attack on our freedoms and democratic way of life. Recent intelligence reports definitively connect Iran's political elite with Nature. President Ahmadinejad himself is believed to employ Oxygen, one of the key figures in the the Southern California fires. The CIA has provided us with satellite photographs which clearly show trees growing in and around Iran's capital city, Tehran. My fellow Americans, Iran is harboring Mother Nature, and as such presents a serious and immediate threat to our nation's security. Now let's go get that oil.

Ha! It's like a funny-cuz-it's-relevant-but

-please-don't-write-more-than-two-paragraphs Onion article!

Do your part to support the music industry

My theory on this is, quite conveniently for me, that poor people make better music. Some people (me) might even say that through my greedy immoral stealing of music from record companies, I am in fact doing a service for the artform. I know, I should be commended right?

I am making the same philanthropic efforts in the television and movie industries as well. Yeah, and definitely porn. I'm like the Mother Teresa of porn stealers.

So do your part to make the world a better place, and download an mp3 off the interweb today!

Larry Craig = hella busted

Transcript of the Larry Craig post-arrest interview [via news10.net]

Ahahahaha. I love Republicans...

DK: And then you used your left hand to finish me off.
LC: No sir, I don't do those types of things.
DK: I clearly recall skeeting onto your wedding ring. Do you think I'm dumb?
LC: Not at all. I just don't engage in this type of...

DK: You told me you loved me.
LC: I do recall asking you for some toilet pa--
DK: Senator, senator you're not a bad guy. But you did say we'd be together forever, correct?
LC: (inaudible)
DK: I believed you...
LC: (inaudible) happily married with two (inaudible)

DK: Senator, frankly I can see your hardon right now.
LC: Ok, let me just explain what that is. You're mistaken, sir.
DK: Why don't you let me help you with that?
LC: (inaudible)
DK: (inaudible)
NN: Um, Sergeant? ... Sergeant Dave? Senator? Gross dudes. I'll just-- yeah, I'll just leave then.

Ok, let me be seriously for a second...

I love This American Life on NPR. Their episode, Habeas Shmabeas (sp?) should be required national listening.

Listen to it for free on their site: TAL.

Why I can't pee straight

Women think it's soo easy to pee straight. Their failure to understand pissing dynamics is nothing but a failure of the imagination.

Let's assume, for a second, that we were equipped with a perfectly formed, unobstructed tube through which to pee. We would still have to mitigate the quick rise and subsequent drop in pressure to hit the bowl every time. Sometimes the bladder pushes harder at its apex, sometimes softer, either way, the urine stream naturally follows a varying path with respect to the amount of bladder pressure applied.

We, of course, learn the tricks of the trade. We learn that a good old fashioned foreskin peel-back will ensure a straighter pee. I even sometimes take the time to delicately spread the tiny penis lips in order to clear any potential roadblocks. But even still, sometimes the stream just wants to go left. Or right. Or if you're R. Kelly, onto the backs of under-aged fans.

Point is, pissin ain't easy. But I'll be damned if I'll give up and sit down to do it.

Gorilla Escapes Netherlands Zoo

Gorilla goes on Dutch zoo rampage [article via news.bbc.co.uk]

Ahh Amsterdam. Land of free drug usage...

[Amsterdam Zoo. Thirty minutes before gorilla escape.]

Bjorn: Oh man I'm soo high right now man. Why-- haha-- why, what are you doing with my shroom stash man?
Peter: Hahahaha, dude I spilled it. Sorry, haha, I mean sorry I spilled it. It's all in the pink popcorn machine.
Bjorn: ...
Peter: ...
Bjorn: Psshhhh-hahahahaha! Fuck man that's like two pounds of shrooms! Haha, no wait this is bad. This is really bad man. Oh shit we're fucking up man.
Peter: Dude chill. Help me mix it in. Nobody's gonna notice.

[Ten minutes before gorilla escape]

Marcus: Man you have no idea how it feels to be a brotha in Amsterdam. People just treat you like you're any other person. This has been a good trip John, thanks.
John: Glad you're having a good time. It's good to get out of the states every once in a while, huh? Let's hit the zoo food court. They're famous for their pink popcorn here.

[Two minutes before gorilla escape]

Manager: Hey, you two numbnuts! I got fifth graders out in the food court talking about bleeding walls and their parents aint doin much better. You know anything about this?
Peter: Oh shit..

[30 seconds before gorilla escape]

John: Dude, I'm feeling woozy.
Marcus: Haha, you don't think the two bricks of pink popcorn did it do you? Let's hit the head buddy.
John: Haha, maybe you're right. You still shoulda had some. Let's get out of-- what the hell??
Marcus: What, man?
John: You're... you're changing.
Marcus: Haha, oh man. I think I'm beginning to understand why the popcorn's so goo--
John: You're changing! Get away from me!
Marcus: Calm down man, what are you talking about?
John: [Pointing at Marcus] Gorilla!
Marcus: John--
John: Gorilla, Gorilla, GORILLLA!!!
Random mom: Gorilla! There's a gorilla on the loose!
[Mass hallucination and panic sets in]
Marcus: [Climbs onto a table] There's no gorilla! My friend John is just having a bad trip! Everyone please! Please calm down!
Child: There he is! He's climbing on the tables, mommy!
Mom: Gorilla!
Offduty zookeeper: But how did he swim the moat?
Marcus: Wha? I do know how to swim motherfu--
Offduty zookeeper: Don't worry people, I've got my tranquelizer gun with me! Everyone evacuate now!

[12 hours after "gorilla" escape]

Administrator: We're really really sorry about this Mr. Williams.
Marcus: This is some bullshit, man. This is some bullshit. I woke up next to a goddamned ape in a goddamned monkey tank! What the fuck??
Administrator: We're prepared to take all necessary steps to resolve the matter... You have to admit, though, it's quite an unbelievable story.
Marcus: You're telling me?? How does a whole food court mistake a guy for an ape!
Administrator: Actually I was referring to the part where you claimed to be able to swim. Pret-ty unbelievable.

Drunk bear fight

Drunk picks fight with bear [article via ananova.com]

Ahaha, nice. Let's see here... animals + humans + humor = time to channel David Sedaris.

Maury: Do you believe in God?

Brutus: Please. Not this conversation again. Anything else.

Maury: Ok. So what's your favorite color?

Brutus: Bears can't see color asshole.

Maury: Then what's your favorite shade of gray?

Brutus: You know I hate you right Maury?

Maury: I know that sometimes you're a wittle grumpy wumpums.

Brutus: No. I really hate you Maury. I do. And I hate being here with you. And I hate this fucking place and these goddamn humans.

Maury: That's not nice Brutus. You know, you could try to be a little nicer to me.

Brutus: These fucking humans with their cameras and their pathetic little frail bodies. I'd love to have just a few minutes with one of those assholes.

Maury: You're always mean to me Brutus and it really hurts my feelings. None of the other bears will even talk to me. They all say I'm queer and won't talk to me.

Brutus: One of these little pieces of shit holding his big fucking gun got my mom. She took twelve rounds of buckshot protecting us cubs before she went down. Went down fighting too. Two of us died before the rest got picked up by the zoo.

Maury: I really care about you Brutus. You're my best friend. Do you care about me too?

Brutus: You're a fucking fag Maury. Get away from me.

Maury: Brutus? You don't mean that. Don't leave. You, you didn't mean that. Please come back. Please... [Guy jumps into the cage. Hits Maury in the leg.]

Maury: What-- how'd you get in here? You gotta leave! You gotta leave now or the other bears they'll-- they'll kill you!

Human: Come on and fight me bear!

Maury: Are you crazy!? You gotta get outta here!

Human: What are you scared of bear? Fight me! What are you, a FAG!?

Maury: No.

Human: FAG!

Maury: Stop hitting me.

Human: Fight me FAG!

Maury: Don't call me that Brutus! Stop calling me a fag Brutus! I hate you Brutus I hate you! Oh God I hate you so mu-- AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!

[a year later]

Brutus: And then my buddy Maury here roars like he's a fucking volcano on steroids...

Other bear 1: Like fucking Hiroshima!

Brutus: ... grabs the fucking guy by his throat and shakes him like a rag doll [Pats Maury on the back] ...

Other bear 2: Shook him good didn't he?

Brutus: ... throws the fucking guy down and I swear to God, he licks his lips and smiles. I didn't even know bears could fucking smile, hahahaha!

Maury: What can I say? These fucking humans need to know their place, right? We bears gotta show them where they stand on the fucking totem pole every once in a while.

Other bear 2: Fuckin-A right man. Fuckin-A right.