All about poop

Who's bored? I'm not bored. Hey, by the way, here are five interesting facts about poop. Including the fact that if you have a dog that eats its own shit you should put vinegar or hot sauce on it to discourage the behavior. Of course, if you have a dog that identifies itself as ethnically black the hot sauce will only serve to encourage the habit. Mayonnaise would probably be better. The whole thing strikes me as ridiculous anyway because why would an animal that eats its own shit be particular about the condiments that go along with it? It's not Chicken McNuggets with a choice of bbq or honey mustard. It's shit which (total guess here) tastes unmistakably like shit no matter what you dip it in. Also, if you care enough about your dog to carry a bottle of Crystal along with you and lovingly sprinkle it on each individual turd in the middle of the fucking sidewalk, why not just pick the shit up in the first place? Have I mentioned how much I hate the average dog owner? Keep it on a leash, pick up after it, and quit acting like it's a person. Oh, and by the way, it just ate that turd over there before it started licking you in the mouth so do excuse me while I vomit quietly. Oh, great, it's eating the vomit now.

Facebook. Really?

I log into Facebook every other week I'd say. I've never really gotten into the whole thing. The tipping point with myspace was the last time a female friend of mine wondered aloud why she wasn't in my top five. Fuck the top five and fuck myspace.com for trying to force me to rank people in order of how much I like them. Kinda ironic that I like people less when they request top placement. I replaced my top five with black sitcom characters from the eighties and early nineties and have enjoyed peace ever since. But this facebook thing. I dunno. I just logged in to find that:

- "Gertrude Weiss and James Jeffrey are now friends." Hey, Gertrude has a friend with a stupider name than hers! Swell!

- "Megan has given an Oreo to Julia using SuperPoke!" You don't fuckin say?? Honey, put down the baby and come here a sec!

- Rachel would like me to join "Fluff friends, where you can adopt a cute pet on your Facebook profile!" Sounds like a great way to come out of the closet, thanks!

- Amy wants to "know the color spectrum of your personality! Answer 10 fun questions to find out instantly your Personality Color Spectrum(TM) and show your own unique Personality Color Spectrum(TM) to Amy and all your friends." Am I the only employed person on Facebook?

I realize that I can probably turn most of this stuff off and make my page my own. But you'll understand if my initial impression of Facebook makes me want to hunt down and kill whatever marketing "genius" decided to make the internet accessible to women. It's as if the internet went to Japan in early 2006 and came back with a new manga haircut and a purse full of hello-kitty stickers. But it's still trying to act like one of the guys like "What dude? If you're not down with hello kitty just ignore it. What's your deal lately?"

So, um, anyways yeah. Maybe I'm just cranky. Somebody send me a Hug(TM) quick!

Paranoid Google Rant

Google's Next Frontier: Renewable Energy [article via nytimes.com]

Google is quickly becoming "The Company" which, as depicted by so many dystopian stories, is omnipresent in our society. I don't doubt their philanthropic goals, but it is getting a bit scary. They tirelessly catalogue public information on the web and in print, map and photograph our streets, store our personal emails, will provide the software for our phones, will supply wireless internet to our cities, and now they're moving toward providing power to our cities as well. They're gonna know everything about everything, and play a role in our society's most basic functions. I'd make the argument that absolute knowledge can corrupt just as well as absolute power. At some point their motto, "Don't be evil" is gonna start to sound like an omen.

In 2018, Matt sits down to take a quick dump. His GPS-enabled gPhone buzzes.

Text message: Using the restroom again, Matt? How about trying Google's new line of smart toilet paper? To order, reply "yes". It will automatically be charged to your Google Account.

Matt ignores the ad-- the tenth ad this morning -- and gets back to business.

Text message: Are you ignoring us, Matt? Don't be evil, Matt. To order, reply "yes".

Matt knows what's coming next. He lights a candle seconds before his lights are shut off.

Text message: Google Power Beta is experiencing a high usage volume at the moment. Power will be restored within a few hours .

Matt sighs. Most days he'd wait it out, but his brand new iPrius (run on Google software) is still charging from the wall socket in the garage. He needs at least enough juice get to work. He reaches for his gPhone and places the order for the smart toilet paper.

Text message: Thank you for your order, Matt. Please allow one week for delivery.

The lights come back on immediately. Matt blows out his candle.

Complete Bullshit!

I have, once again, been slighted by People Magazine. They have, once again, left me off of their list of Sexiest Men Alive. I don't know how those shit-for-brains editors have managed to keep their jobs this long.

I know what you're thinking: "But Matt, they don't even know who you are!" Of course they fucking know who I am! I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has sent multiple headshots, full profile shots, and 8x10" framed cock shots to their corporate offices. I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has placed phone call after patient phone call on my own behalf (both in my voice and in the voices of my many adoring female fans), to the offices, homes and children's schools of the selection committee members. May I repeat: this is complete bullshit.

This year they put me over the top by putting, of all people, Matt Damon in the top spot. Matt "Beady Eyes" Damon. Matt "Are you sure he doesn't have just a little Downs Syndrome?" Damon. That fucking ASSHAT. Oh but I do intend to have the last laugh, friends. People Magazine is set to receive a flood of greased up cock pics the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last charity slumber party. It's so on motherfuckers!

Osama Bin Laden is in Orange County [followup]

(Reuters) Police said on Tuesday that a boy playing with matches had confessed to starting accidentally one of the fires, north of Los Angeles, that burned 63 buildings and charred 38,000 acres.

Neither the boy's name nor his age were given. Prosecutors must now decide whether to charge the youth, who is thought to be a preteen.

Is this preteen working for Al Qaeda? It's gonna take a field trip to a secret Nigerian prison and a whole lot of waterboarding to find out. Thankfully, there will be no lasting physical damage nor pesky legal repercussions to worry about. In the end, we'll untie him, hand him a CIA embroidered towel to dry off with, and send him on his way with a fatherly tussle of the hair from ol' Unc Sam, and a no-hard-feelings lollipop. A couple years of therapy and he'll be able to hear a running shower without evacuating his bowels. In time he'll grow into a fine young man, proud to have served his country.

I'm smokin that tax money rolled up in pages of the constitution all day bitches!

"And then Jesus toldeth him to go get that oil"

Osama Bin Laden is in Orange County

Ill-informed Fox anchors spread fears of al Qaeda link to California fires [article via rawstory.com]

Sure, it wasn't Al Qaeda. It was a natural event. Which proves my point that it's time for Mother Nature to pick a side. She's either with us or against us on this one [adjusts American Flag lapel pin]. She has repeatedly brought terror into American homes, which constitutes a direct attack on our freedoms and democratic way of life. Recent intelligence reports definitively connect Iran's political elite with Nature. President Ahmadinejad himself is believed to employ Oxygen, one of the key figures in the the Southern California fires. The CIA has provided us with satellite photographs which clearly show trees growing in and around Iran's capital city, Tehran. My fellow Americans, Iran is harboring Mother Nature, and as such presents a serious and immediate threat to our nation's security. Now let's go get that oil.

Ha! It's like a funny-cuz-it's-relevant-but

-please-don't-write-more-than-two-paragraphs Onion article!