Saturday, December 22, 2007

Having trouble picking a candidate?

Well then have I got the answer for you! Introducing ABC News' Match-O-Matic! Here at ABC news, we have boiled down the entire spectrum of political viewpoints to a short series of questions with multiple choice answers. With the help of space-age 21st century internet technology and our crack team of pollsters, pundits, physicists and chemists, you'll hardly have to think at all! Just point and click and we'll do the thinking for you! Meet your match todayyyyyy! [cue grainy stock video clip of candidate shaking hands with voters]

Match-O-Matic

(Surprise!) I matched up best with Kucinich. But, thanks to Fox News' quality investigative journalism, I found out his wife has a tongue ring so there's absolutely no way I'd vote for him.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Way too PC

Someone at work gave me a survey to post on our web site. It's for people who have attended our workshops. The first question is:

1. Gender: Male Female Transgender

Um, wtf is transgender doing on there? First of all, who really cares that much? What, are we providing this information to the census bureau? And there's no way I'd spend ten thousand dollars to switch out the old cock n balls for a vagina and get some tits installed just to be called "transgender." Best call me a woman 'less you wanna get beat down with these man fists, ho! Plus, that option just makes it weird for the other 99% of people filling out the survey.

Sexuality (choose one):
  • Straight
  • Gay
  • Bi
  • Only gay for Jon Stewart
  • Straight, but vaginas are gross to look at directly.
  • Looked at gay porn once. Stayed hard, but only due to the straight porn I was watching right before that (swear dude!).
  • Male zebras are hot.
  • Some freaky shit I can't tell you.
  • Prince.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Paranoid Google Rant

Google's Next Frontier: Renewable Energy [article via nytimes.com]

Google is quickly becoming "The Company" which, as depicted by so many dystopian stories, is omnipresent in our society. I don't doubt their philanthropic goals, but it is getting a bit scary. They tirelessly catalogue public information on the web and in print, map and photograph our streets, store our personal emails, will provide the software for our phones, will supply wireless internet to our cities, and now they're moving toward providing power to our cities as well. They're gonna know everything about everything, and play a role in our society's most basic functions. I'd make the argument that absolute knowledge can corrupt just as well as absolute power. At some point their motto, "Don't be evil" is gonna start to sound like an omen.

In 2018, Matt sits down to take a quick dump. His GPS-enabled gPhone buzzes.
Text message: Using the restroom again, Matt? How about trying Google's new line of smart toilet paper? To order, reply "yes". It will automatically be charged to your Google Account.
Matt ignores the ad-- the tenth ad this morning -- and gets back to business.
Text message: Are you ignoring us, Matt? Don't be evil, Matt. To order, reply "yes".
Matt knows what's coming next. He lights a candle seconds before his lights are shut off.
Text message: Google Power Beta is experiencing a high usage volume at the moment. Power will be restored within a few hours .
Matt sighs. Most days he'd wait it out, but his brand new iPrius (run on Google software) is still charging from the wall socket in the garage. He needs at least enough juice get to work. He reaches for his gPhone and places the order for the smart toilet paper.
Text message: Thank you for your order, Matt. Please allow one week for delivery.
The lights come back on immediately. Matt blows out his candle.