Bicycle Fucker

Bike sex man placed on probation [article via news.bbc.co.uk]
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Yeah, you read that correctly. This guy got caught fucking his bike in his hotel room by the room cleaners. They tell on him, and he gets sentenced to three years probation.

A couple things that just don't make sense...

1. Since when is it a crime to get yourself off with the inanimate object of your choosing in the privacy of your room? If someone walks in on me getting freaky with the hole in my copy of David Hasselhoff's memoir, that's their bad. Knock louder next time assholes.

2. This whole thing could have been avoided with the following conversation snippet...

Sheriff: These two janitors claim that they walked in on you having sexual relations with that bicycle. Is that account correct, sir?
Bike fucker: Excuse my language, Sheriff, but are you fucking crazy?
Sheriff: Hahaha. I have to admit it did sound a bit far-fetched. But we gotta follow up-- part of the job. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bike fucker: Hehe, not a problem officer. Hey, I think I heard those two janitors saying something about being in Al-Qaeda. Might want to bring 'em in for questioning.

[Five minutes later: The two janitors are handcuffed sitting on the curb outside. They turn around to see Bike fucker spoke-fucking his road bike in the window above them.]

Bike fucker: Hey boys, don't forget your party favors! [Skeets violently out of the window onto the janitors below]

Complete Bullshit!

I have, once again, been slighted by People Magazine. They have, once again, left me off of their list of Sexiest Men Alive. I don't know how those shit-for-brains editors have managed to keep their jobs this long.

I know what you're thinking: "But Matt, they don't even know who you are!" Of course they fucking know who I am! I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has sent multiple headshots, full profile shots, and 8x10" framed cock shots to their corporate offices. I'm the guy who, for the past eight years, has placed phone call after patient phone call on my own behalf (both in my voice and in the voices of my many adoring female fans), to the offices, homes and children's schools of the selection committee members. May I repeat: this is complete bullshit.

This year they put me over the top by putting, of all people, Matt Damon in the top spot. Matt "Beady Eyes" Damon. Matt "Are you sure he doesn't have just a little Downs Syndrome?" Damon. That fucking ASSHAT. Oh but I do intend to have the last laugh, friends. People Magazine is set to receive a flood of greased up cock pics the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last charity slumber party. It's so on motherfuckers!

Spam Folder Mashup

Luv, luvvv the gmail for filtering out all of the cheesy, half-literal spam meat that would otherwise soil my inbox. Here are some of the gems I found in the spam box:

Dreamin' of having a huge schlong, like black bros have? Now that's not a problem!
[Would be awesome if this turned your thang brown]

who would like to get laid by such a tiny phallus as yours?
[*sob* ... nobody ... (looks for credit card)]

Forget about failures in bedroom. With your new bigger dic'k you're doomed to success!

But please don't be deterred by the word "repl1ca"...I'm talking about the cream of the crop of repl1ca w4tches
["Yeah, baby, this here's a genuine repl-one-ca w-four-atch girl. You don't know nuthin bout a repl-one-ca... I got a huge shlong like black bros too, by the way."]

If you can hide your penis behind your cell phone...CHECK NOW A real thunderstorm in your pants.
[(Looks at iPhone. Looks down. Looks at iPhone. Excuses self to restroom.)]

Osama Bin Laden is in Orange County [followup]

(Reuters) Police said on Tuesday that a boy playing with matches had confessed to starting accidentally one of the fires, north of Los Angeles, that burned 63 buildings and charred 38,000 acres.

Neither the boy's name nor his age were given. Prosecutors must now decide whether to charge the youth, who is thought to be a preteen.

Is this preteen working for Al Qaeda? It's gonna take a field trip to a secret Nigerian prison and a whole lot of waterboarding to find out. Thankfully, there will be no lasting physical damage nor pesky legal repercussions to worry about. In the end, we'll untie him, hand him a CIA embroidered towel to dry off with, and send him on his way with a fatherly tussle of the hair from ol' Unc Sam, and a no-hard-feelings lollipop. A couple years of therapy and he'll be able to hear a running shower without evacuating his bowels. In time he'll grow into a fine young man, proud to have served his country.

I'm smokin that tax money rolled up in pages of the constitution all day bitches!

"And then Jesus toldeth him to go get that oil"