Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Why I can't pee straight

Women think it's soo easy to pee straight. Their failure to understand pissing dynamics is nothing but a failure of the imagination.

Let's assume, for a second, that we were equipped with a perfectly formed, unobstructed tube through which to pee. We would still have to mitigate the quick rise and subsequent drop in pressure to hit the bowl every time. Sometimes the bladder pushes harder at its apex, sometimes softer, either way, the urine stream naturally follows a varying path with respect to the amount of bladder pressure applied.

We, of course, learn the tricks of the trade. We learn that a good old fashioned foreskin peel-back will ensure a straighter pee. I even sometimes take the time to delicately spread the tiny penis lips in order to clear any potential roadblocks. But even still, sometimes the stream just wants to go left. Or right. Or if you're R. Kelly, onto the backs of under-aged fans.

Point is, pissin ain't easy. But I'll be damned if I'll give up and sit down to do it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Gorilla Escapes Netherlands Zoo

Gorilla goes on Dutch zoo rampage [article via news.bbc.co.uk]

Ahh Amsterdam. Land of free drug usage...

[Amsterdam Zoo. Thirty minutes before gorilla escape.]

Bjorn: Oh man I'm soo high right now man. Why-- haha-- why, what are you doing with my shroom stash man?
Peter: Hahahaha, dude I spilled it. Sorry, haha, I mean sorry I spilled it. It's all in the pink popcorn machine.
Bjorn: ...
Peter: ...
Bjorn: Psshhhh-hahahahaha! Fuck man that's like two pounds of shrooms! Haha, no wait this is bad. This is really bad man. Oh shit we're fucking up man.
Peter: Dude chill. Help me mix it in. Nobody's gonna notice.

[Ten minutes before gorilla escape]

Marcus: Man you have no idea how it feels to be a brotha in Amsterdam. People just treat you like you're any other person. This has been a good trip John, thanks.
John: Glad you're having a good time. It's good to get out of the states every once in a while, huh? Let's hit the zoo food court. They're famous for their pink popcorn here.

[Two minutes before gorilla escape]

Manager: Hey, you two numbnuts! I got fifth graders out in the food court talking about bleeding walls and their parents aint doin much better. You know anything about this?
Peter: Oh shit..

[30 seconds before gorilla escape]

John: Dude, I'm feeling woozy.
Marcus: Haha, you don't think the two bricks of pink popcorn did it do you? Let's hit the head buddy.
John: Haha, maybe you're right. You still shoulda had some. Let's get out of-- what the hell??
Marcus: What, man?
John: You're... you're changing.
Marcus: Haha, oh man. I think I'm beginning to understand why the popcorn's so goo--
John: You're changing! Get away from me!
Marcus: Calm down man, what are you talking about?
John: [Pointing at Marcus] Gorilla!
Marcus: John--
John: Gorilla, Gorilla, GORILLLA!!!
Random mom: Gorilla! There's a gorilla on the loose!
[Mass hallucination and panic sets in]
Marcus: [Climbs onto a table] There's no gorilla! My friend John is just having a bad trip! Everyone please! Please calm down!
Child: There he is! He's climbing on the tables, mommy!
Mom: Gorilla!
Offduty zookeeper: But how did he swim the moat?
Marcus: Wha? I do know how to swim motherfu--
Offduty zookeeper: Don't worry people, I've got my tranquelizer gun with me! Everyone evacuate now!

[12 hours after "gorilla" escape]

Administrator: We're really really sorry about this Mr. Williams.
Marcus: This is some bullshit, man. This is some bullshit. I woke up next to a goddamned ape in a goddamned monkey tank! What the fuck??
Administrator: We're prepared to take all necessary steps to resolve the matter... You have to admit, though, it's quite an unbelievable story.
Marcus: You're telling me?? How does a whole food court mistake a guy for an ape!
Administrator: Actually I was referring to the part where you claimed to be able to swim. Pret-ty unbelievable.